Loving others begins with loving ourselves.

by Christine Rhyner

During a conversation with my co-worker Leiah, the topic of self-worth came up. She smiled at me and gushed, “I love myself!”

“How?” I asked, wanting in on whatever secret she had for self-love.

“I just love me!” she exclaimed, as though born delighted with herself.

To tell the truth, I was envious of Leiah’s positive sense of self and her unabashed vocalizing of it.

I was in a period of life when I was distressed with so much about me. I routinely drank into the early morning hours with co-workers at the café where I worked. Then I’d sleep my days away and head back to the café in the evenings. I didn’t enjoy waiting tables while struggling to find a job as a writer, and I made poor choices in men.

I had read dozens of New Age self-help books to help me understand myself, my strengths, and my purpose. I even went to an astrologer and a psychic.

Phil, the astrologer, knew things about my life he couldn’t possibly have known, unless he was tapping into some source. He knew about my love of writing and problems diagnosed with my health when I was in college. I thought at the time that astrological planetary alignments provided him this information. But I know now that if Phil wasn’t getting his information from God, which he wasn’t, it could come from only one other source: the Enemy of our souls.

Thankfully, none of these efforts helped with my self-confidence or positive momentum. I shudder to think what might have happened had I traveled further down that broad road that leads to destruction (Matthew 7:13). It would have ruined me and the people who needed to hear about the Lord.

Revelation

I had to work on my own healing in the right way. Shortly after my exchange with Leiah, I began attending church with another co-worker. When I started reading the Bible, a particular story caught my attention: the paralytic at the healing pool (John 5). After finding that the man had spent thirty-eight years in the same condition, Jesus asks him, “Do you want to get well?” (v. 6).

It was as though I were staring into that healing pool and seeing my own reflection. Yes! I wanted to get well! It struck me that Jesus not only could forgive my sins but also wanted to heal me emotionally and spiritually. I accepted Christ as Lord and Savior soon after this revelation.

I removed all the self-help books from my apartment and repented of my former occult dabbling. I stopped the late nights and drinking, yet my sense of worth didn’t immediately change. I lacked an understanding of who I’d become in Christ.

Considering my huge shortfall of self-love, I also fretted over how to love my neighbor as myself (Mark 12:31) so I could show them Christ’s love.

I wondered if self-love isn’t a bit vain and selfish. Paul warns in 2 Timothy 3:2 that in the last days “People will be lovers of themselves.” Then I realized that what Paul describes here is not the self-love God desires for me. “Lovers of themselves” means haughtiness and elevation of the self above loving God. The love for myself that God wants me to have isn’t a pride thing or about my attributes or even about how God blesses me.

Rather, self-love begins with loving God first, as Jesus states: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). That love flows out to others so we love our neighbors as ourselves (v. 31).

Loving God, loving self

This presented another problem: How could I love God without trying to muster feelings for Him? I was grateful that Jesus bore my sins on the cross, and was so thankful that He scooped me out of the pit I was in. But doubts lingered that I was loving God as He desires of us. Was I simply grateful for and accepting of salvation and healing?

Reading more of the Bible, I came to understand that loving God results from getting to know Him through prayer and studying Scripture. Love for God is active. John 14:15 says, “If you love me, keep my commands.” Love of the Lord equals obedience to the Lord, but obedience didn’t happen overnight. The Word had to take hold in my heart, and the Holy Spirit had to illuminate things I didn’t realize were sins.

Loving God also stems from putting my faith and trust in Him when I’m going through challenges. When I see Him moving me toward victory in my struggles, the measure of faith I first exercised begets more faith in Him. It spurs me on with greater love for the One who cares about even the small things I wrestle with, who hears and answers me.

Loving myself is about seeing myself as Jesus does: “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). If Jesus thought I was worth dying for when He already knew all the sins I would commit, how could I continue in self-loathing?

My foundation had to be an understanding of my changed status as that of a new creature in Christ.

The following Bible verse is like a gentle breeze refreshing my spirit: “Old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17, NKJV). Loving self is believing that I am now loved by God as a righteous child of His with my name engraved in the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16). 

God’s Word also says that I am a co-heir with Christ in His inheritance (Romans 8:17), that I am victorious through Him (1 Corinthians 15:57), and that “He will exult over [me] with loud singing” (Zephaniah 3:17, ESV). That’s a God who delights in His children!

I learned that I should be content with who I am because God made me with certain qualities, gifts, and talents. I shouldn’t compare myself with others, because I am unique to the Father. After I put my faith in Christ and repented, I became secure in who I am in Him, not in who the world tells me I am.

Completing a work

I’ve met a number of Christians who don’t love themselves. Many of them carry burdens of their pasts. Admittedly, at times I also look back and regret my many years of sin before meeting Christ.

But to ruminate on this makes me unable to love my neighbor, because I’m unavailable for my neighbor. It causes me to isolate myself in shame for my former carnal life and even for mistakes and sins I commit as a Christian, though Jesus bore my shame on the cross. That’s like saying the cross wasn’t enough for me. It’s living in condemnation — and the devil loves it. Satan knows that condemnation makes me less effective, or worse, utterly ineffective for the kingdom.

I reject lies about myself when I think of what God’s Word says He is doing in me: completing a good work He began (Philippians 1:6). As long as I am open to the Holy Spirit’s conviction and instruction, that work continues. I can reflect the love of Christ to others and, most important, lead the lost to Him. That is my primary purpose as a Christian.

Loving others

All this makes it possible to look at others — even difficult people — with Jesus’ eyes of compassion. When someone waves at me with one finger on the road or when I am tempted to gossip about someone, I remember Christ died for them as well. This lifts me out of feelings of offense and toward forgiveness for that person.

When people devalue me, as they sometimes do, instead of owning it, I remember God’s great love for me. What I do own is sin and mistakes made against others. Whether they want to forgive me or not, I ask their forgiveness. I ask for God’s forgiveness and repent. Then it’s time to move on. Do I love myself? I would now respond to that former co-worker, “I love me, too, because of Jesus” — and pray that the Holy Spirit would spur her to ask me about Him.