The Power of Forgiveness

When you hold a grudge, who really suffers? by Heather Carr

In October 2006 the Amish community in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, endured the fatal shooting of five young girls in a one-room schoolhouse. Many of us looked on in wonder as this community forgave the shooter and embraced his family. In this case, the Amish demonstrated the amazing human ability to forgive, even in the most painful of circumstances.1

Forgiveness was a tough choice for those people. It’s tough for us as well, but something we must do if we’re going to survive spiritually, physically, and emotionally. If we choose instead to begrudge the evildoer, the stakes may be higher than we think.

Jesus makes this clear. He says that forgiving an offense is not merely a nice thing to do; it is a requirement that affects our relationship with God:

“If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14, 15).

Through our example, we open the door for others to accept the life-giving forgiveness offered through Christ. Extending forgiveness, especially when it seems impossible, allows the heart of God to shine through us.

Defining a grudge

When we experience an emotional offense, extending forgiveness is a real challenge. It may seem impossible to see anything beyond our grief. If the pain begins to take over, a deep-seated resentment, or grudge, may form.

A grudge results from allowing our initial negative reactions to consume us. We replay our hurt repeatedly, leaving us feeling helpless, even overwhelmed, in the face of injustice. Anger, confusion, or sadness dominate our thinking and crowd out positive feelings, like joy and peace.

Look for these cues to determine if you’re holding a grudge:

You think about your painful past more than your present.2
You feel physically or emotionally upset thinking about the offense.2
You replay the situation in your mind.2
You have a chip on your shoulder.3
You are easily angered. 3
You plot revenge.3
You think the worst about people or situations.3

Damaged health

Holding a grudge doesn’t hurt the offender; it hurts us. Researchers have discovered that unforgiveness adversely affects the immune, nervous, and cardiovascular systems. Result? Higher blood pressure, increased headaches and backaches, stomach problems, and other ailments.

Refusing to release a painful experience causes our bodies to relive it. Whether the event is recent or many years ago, the physical result can be the same. “When we think or feel something intellectually or emotionally, part of that experience is a physical experience,” says Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Forgiveness Project at Stanford University.

According to Dr. Luskin, the mind-body connection is the link between forgiveness and health. A long-standing resentment or grudge is “going to have an impact on you physically through the stress response, and then the physical is going to have an influence on your mind by telling you how much this painful experience has harmed you.”

Our bodies aren’t the only things to suffer when we hold grudges from being wronged; our emotions take a beating as well. Negative feelings like hopelessness, depression, and anxiety can overwhelm us.

Research has also shown that deciding to forgive the hurts of the past allows us to release those negative emotions and replace them with joy, hopefulness, and improved self-confidence. Forgiving allows us to focus our energy on the positive aspects of self and the world around us.

First steps, hurdles

Admitting that you’re holding a grudge is tough. Letting go of it can be even tougher, especially when the offense is great. As with many challenges in life, it takes only a few small steps to move in the right direction. Try these to get you moving:

Understand what specifically caused you to become upset. Why do you feel the way you do?
Share your feelings with someone you trust. Loved ones may be able to shed light on the situation and provide needed support.
Make a commitment to forgive. Forgiveness isn’t easy, especially if the offender isn’t interested in receiving it. But with practice and patience, you can work through it.

Here’s a look at some common hurdles and concerns in forgiving, and how Dr. Luskin recommends overcoming them:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the actions of the person who hurt you, nor that you’ll reconcile with him. Forgiveness does mean that you can find peace regardless.
You don’t have to forget in order to forgive. You may still remember what happened, but you’ll remember it differently, allowing you to move forward.
You don’t have to wait for someone to ask your forgiveness. In the case of a stranger or one who’s died, waiting for the person to ask will prevent forgiveness and block you from the benefits of a forgiving lifestyle. In many ways, forgiving isn’t about the person who hurt you; it’s about you.

Healthy habits

Overcoming these hurdles is a huge accomplishment, but don’t stop there. To fully realize the benefits of forgiveness, Dr. Luskin recommends making forgiveness a lifestyle. Putting these healthy habits into action will help you make the transition from pain to freedom.

Live in the present. You can’t change the past, but you can control your reaction to it today. Admitting that your pain results from the past will help you move ahead.

Look for the silver lining. If you feel upset, try to focus your attention on something that still brings you joy.

Put your time and energy into something positive. If you’re tempted to revisit the pain of the past, redirect your energy into something like volunteering, helping others cope with a similar experience, or working toward a life-long goal.

Live with a thankful heart. Instead of dwelling on your pain, look for the beauty in the world that surrounds you. An attitude of appreciation will help heal the hurts of the past.

Tell a new story. Think about your experience and retell it in a way that emphasizes your triumph, not your tragedy.

Follow the example of others. Approach someone you know who has come through a similar situation — victoriously. Or join a support group.

Finding peace

A forgiving lifestyle enables us to maintain a sense of peace through difficulty. We relinquish our desire for revenge and acknowledge God’s control over our situation.

Many examples of forgiveness are in the Bible, from Joseph’s acceptance of his brothers’ plea after selling him into slavery (Genesis 50:17) to the greatest example, Jesus. As He was dying on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

This can be the case in our lives as well. People may not know what they’ve done to hurt us. They may have started out with good intentions. We will know we’ve truly forgiven when we feel peace despite what they did. The desire for revenge or need to speak against offenders will be replaced with sympathy, gentleness, and compassion.

When it comes to forgiveness, the choice remains ours. May we go the way of Jesus and reap the benefits.

_____________

Heather Carr writes from Waterford, MI. Scripture quotations are from the New International Version.

References

“How can the Amish forgive what seems unforgivable?” (12 June 2009, www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-10-01-amish_N.htm>)
Dr. Fred Luskin. Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness (Harper San Francisco, 2001), pp. 77-92, 211
“Forgiveness: How to let go of grudges and bitterness” MayoClinic.com. (07 April 2009, www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/mh00131)

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